Archive for 2010
vapor dulled sunbeams
– photo by Mitch Waxman
My feet were dragging long trails in the powdered automotive glass, cutting long arcs through and across that empty corridor. Tenuous layers of atmospheric humidity, carrying those omnipresent and miasmic vapors of the mephitic Newtown Creek (as evidenced by that certain odor, not unlike that of an aquarium which houses terrapins, which defines the area) far beyond their normal geographic influence.
Dense clouds of aerosol moisture were risible, occluding the horizon, in the same manner as that note affixed to that official correspondence which was received here at Newtown Pentacle HQ similarly made my mental landscape and outlook on the future seem like a bleak and never ending limbo.
from nydailynews.com
The 54,000-square-foot, two-story building directly across from FreshDirect had been occupied by the same owner, F & R Holding Co., since 1952. It was bought by KJDS Realty Inc.
F & R Holding ran an envelope business from the site at 23-23 Borden Ave. until the 1980s, when one of the partners retired, said Peter Moreo of Greiner-Maltz, who represented the seller.
The painted “Diplomat Envelope” sign remains on the front of the 200-foot-wide building. Since the 1980s, the building had been rented out to a number of tenants, and then last year the decision was made to sell, Moreo said.
“It has potential because of its location,” he said. “It is about six blocks away from the [Long Island City] redevelopment area, and would have sold for double if it had been on other side of Vernon Blvd.”
– photo by Mitch Waxman
An elaborate farce and failure to all who’ve ever had the misfortune of knowing me, your humble narrator is nearly always in a dark place, isolated and both fleeing from and reaching for a desolating state of loneliness and distemper.
Jealous and quick to anger, slightly sociopathic, and somewhat strange- I’ve always preferred means of expression which propagate distance and physical anonymity from intended audiences. Plagued by persistent sadness, with sleep an unreliable and uneven haven, even the thrills of debauched revelry hold no power to elevate my mood. Intoxicants and entertainments can no longer help.
Hopelessness persists, a die is cast, the future unbearable.
from wikipedia
Major depression significantly affects a person’s family and personal relationships, work or school life, sleeping and eating habits, and general health. Its impact on functioning and well-being has been equated to that of chronic medical conditions such as diabetes.
A person having a major depressive episode usually exhibits a very low mood, which pervades all aspects of life, and an inability to experience pleasure in activities that formerly were enjoyed. Depressed people may be preoccupied with, or ruminate over, thoughts and feelings of worthlessness, inappropriate guilt or regret, helplessness, hopelessness, and self-hatred.In severe cases, depressed people may have symptoms of psychosis. These symptoms include delusions or, less commonly, hallucinations, usually of an unpleasant nature.Other symptoms of depression include poor concentration and memory (especially in those with melancholic or psychotic features),withdrawal from social situations and activities, reduced sex drive, and thoughts of death or suicide.
Insomnia is common among the depressed. In the typical pattern, a person wakes very early and is unable to get back to sleep,but insomnia can also include difficulty falling asleep.Insomnia affects at least 80% of depressed people. Hypersomnia, or oversleeping, can also happen,affecting 15% of the depressed people.Some antidepressants may also cause insomnia due to their stimulating effect.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
Wringing my hands- a manifestation of a restless inability for stillness- like the exertions required to perform other small tasks, seem beyond my ability to initiate. Worthless and shamed, a resume of failures personal and public plays across the landscape of that sterile grotto between my ears- the suffering of a mendicant.
Often- when beset with the shrill headaches of guilt and those stress induced muscle spasms in my lower back, saline deprived tears will flow and cut patterns through that curious airborne particulate which collects on my sweat slaked skin.
Why did I ever open that letter and receive that malign note, the one written in pencil whose handwriting was evocative of an ancient time?
from wikipedia
Oneirophrenia is a hallucinatory, dream-like state caused by several conditions such as prolonged sleep deprivation, sensory deprivation, or drugs (such as ibogaine). From the Greek words “ὄνειρος” (oneiros, “dream”) and “φρενός” (phrenos, “mind”). It has some of the characteristics of simple schizophrenia, such as a confusional state and clouding of consciousness, but without presenting the dissociation symptoms which are typical of this disorder.
Persons affected by oneirophrenia have a feeling of dream-like unreality which, in its extreme form, may progress to delusions and hallucinations. Therefore, it is considered a schizophrenia-like acute form of psychosis which remits in about 60% of cases within a period of two years. It is estimated that 50% or more of schizophrenic patients present oneirophrenia at least once.
Oneirophrenic patients are resistant to insulin and when injected with glucose, these patients take 30 to 50% longer to return to normal glycemia. The meaning of this finding is not known, but it has been hypothesized that it may be due to an insulin antagonist present in the blood during psychosis.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
An uninteresting and pedantic dissatisfaction- at all times boring and helpless- makes any perceptions of mine questionable.
Perhaps it would be better if I just stayed at home. Avoid knowledge of those flickering wonders found around this Newtown Creek, stay in the apartment where it is safe, and where it smells pleasant.
Absolute control of a cramped corner of the hive, leased by the month, with a comfortable and amusing reality provided to me and shaped by multinational media corporations.
A happy and comfort rich world, with cheap coffee and a cable modem.
from wikipedia
Neural circuitry involving the amygdala and hippocampus is thought to underlie anxiety.[9] When confronted with unpleasant and potentially harmful stimuli such as foul odors or tastes, PET-scans show increased bloodflow in the amygdala. In these studies, the participants also reported moderate anxiety. This might indicate that anxiety is a protective mechanism designed to prevent the organism from engaging in potentially harmful behaviors.
Research upon adolescents that were as infants highly apprehensive, vigilant, and fearful finds that their nucleus accumbens is more sensitive than that in other people when they selected to make an action that determined whether they received a reward. This suggests a link between circuits responsible for fear and also reward in anxious people. As researchers note “a sense of ‘responsibility,’ or self agency, in a context of uncertainty (probabilistic outcomes) drives the neural system underlying appetitive motivation (i.e., nucleus accumbens) more strongly in temperamentally inhibited than noninhibited adolescents.”
– photo by Mitch Waxman
Truly, who needs to know of these places, save the police and security men, and those uncommented workers who populate this human hive called the City of greater New York.
Those malign forces which infest the saturn halls of influence hereabouts seem to have noticed me, simply because I noticed them, and commented upon their presence. That hated letter was the merest extent of the power they wield, a hammering cudgel of patronage, a gimlet of raw force- and a message sent and received from the powers that are.
But that doesn’t account for the note. The note which caused me to titillate at and embrace the fish belly white teat of terror itself, and wander mindlessly about this Newtown Pentacle. That note, written in a greasy pencil line and atavist hand upon a no longer common sort of brown Kraft paper, and which conveyed a malign acceptance of certain realities…
from wikipedia
An existential crisis may result from:
- The sense of being alone and isolated in the world;
- A new-found grasp or appreciation of one’s mortality;
- Believing that one’s life has no purpose or external meaning;
- Awareness of one’s freedom and the consequences of accepting or rejecting that freedom;
- An extremely pleasurable or hurtful experience that leaves one seeking meaning;
An existential crisis is often provoked by a significant event in the person’s life — marriage, separation, major loss, the death of a loved one, a life-threatening experience, a new love partner, psycho-active drug use, adult children leaving home, reaching a personally-significant age (turning 30, turning 40, etc.), etc. Usually, it provokes the sufferer’s introspection about personal mortality, thus revealing the psychological repression of said awareness.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
…the note, and I must accept this at face value, was signed “Gilman“.
from wikipedia
Nigredo, or blackness, in alchemy means putrefaction or decomposition. The alchemists believed that as a first step in the pathway to the philosopher’s stone all alchemical ingredients had to be cleansed and cooked extensively to a uniform black matter. In psychology, Carl Jung (a student of alchemy) interpreted nigredo as a moment of maximum despair, that is a prerequisite to personal development. Further steps of the alchemical opus are albedo (whiteness), citrinitas (yellowness) and rubedo (redness).
tightly compressed
– photo by Mitch Waxman
Perhaps, just maybe, a deal of some kind can be struck? A way to mitigate the damage, lessen the blow, come away a winner by losing less?
Would that I had never opened that damned letter… Stumbling back to Astoria, I found my self drawn to the Empty Corridor, where certain factory windows contain observers who monitor the street.
Shrouded in darkness and cigarette smoke, these watchers on high maintain a vigil over the street. If one is thought suspect by them, lesser employees of their masters will approach. Clad in the aspect of law enforcement, their manner will be aggressive, rough, and dismissive. Don’t stray too near, look too closely, or dally too long- or they will come.
from wikipedia
Industry terms for various security personnel include: security guard, security agent, security officer, safety patrol, private police, company police, security enforcement officer and public safety. Other job titles in the security industry include bouncer, bodyguards, executive protection agent loss prevention, alarm responder, hospital security officer, mall security officer, crime prevention officer, private patrol officer, and private patrol operator.
State and local governments sometimes regulate the use of these terms by law—for example, certain words and phrases that “give an impression that he or she is connected in any way with the federal government, a state government, or any political subdivision of a state government” are forbidden for use by California security licensees by Business and Professions Code Section 7582.26. So the terms “private homicide police” or “special agent” would be unlawful for a security licensee to use in California. Similarly, in Canada, various acts specifically prohibits private security personnel from using the terms Probation Officer, law enforcement, police, or police officer.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
Real Police, in all their clever designations and insignia, both demand and are entitled to decorum and procedure in their dealings with you. It is remarkable when they step out of this custom, and shocking to behold.
Those who merely dress like Police however, are bound by no rule save their own, in these lonely places found alongside fences and walls. Private citizens, employed as bully and thug by private and public interests alike, these guardsmen are often armed with club and baton and carry restraints and chemical deterrent weaponry such as capsaicin sprays. Guided by the observers above, they are sent to “let you know they are there”.
Accusations of “scouting” for some criminal enterprise, or operating at the behest of international terrorism are often offered to innocent photographers wandering past in a postal induced panic.
also from wikipedia
Patrolling is usually a large part of a security officer’s duties. Often these patrols are logged by use of a guard tour patrol system, which require regular patrols. The most commonly used form used to be mechanical clock systems that required a key for manual punching of a number to a strip of paper inside with the time pre-printed on it.
Recently, electronic systems have risen in popularity due to their light weight, ease of use, and downloadable logging capabilities. Regular patrols are, however, becoming less accepted as an industry standard, as it provides predictability for the would-be criminal, as well as monotony for the security officer on duty.
Random patrols are easily programmed into these systems, allowing greater freedom of movement and unpredictability. Global positioning systems are also easing their way into the market as a more effective means of tracking officer movement and patrol behavior.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
My vast physical cowardice, honed to a fine art during the violent and often racially charged atmosphere which was 1980’s Brooklyn, has taught your humble narrator one of the few bits of wisdom in his cache. Simply put, keep moving. No matter what, never, ever, present a stationary target to any group of people who dress the same way – keep moving.
Whether it be a group of kids who show all affection toward wearing one of the primary colors that are throwing debris at you, or an encounter with a noxious creature of the street attempting to consume some part of you, junkyard dogs are barking at you, or – suddenly- you find yourself in a crowd which sprang up out of nowhere and is composed of a seemingly homogenous group – keep moving.
You cannot bargain with the Security men, you just keep moving.
from schneier.com
What is it with photographers these days? Are they really all terrorists, or does everyone just think they are?
Since 9/11, there has been an increasing war on photography. Photographers have been harassed, questioned, detained, arrested or worse, and declared to be unwelcome. We’ve been repeatedly told to watch out for photographers, especially suspicious ones. Clearly any terrorist is going to first photograph his target, so vigilance is required.
Except that it’s nonsense. The 9/11 terrorists didn’t photograph anything. Nor did the London transport bombers, the Madrid subway bombers, or the liquid bombers arrested in 2006. Timothy McVeigh didn’t photograph the Oklahoma City Federal Building. The Unabomber didn’t photograph anything; neither did shoe-bomber Richard Reid. Photographs aren’t being found amongst the papers of Palestinian suicide bombers. The IRA wasn’t known for its photography. Even those manufactured terrorist plots that the US government likes to talk about — the Ft. Dix terrorists, the JFK airport bombers, the Miami 7, the Lackawanna 6 — no photography.
Given that real terrorists, and even wannabe terrorists, don’t seem to photograph anything, why is it such pervasive conventional wisdom that terrorists photograph their targets? Why are our fears so great that we have no choice but to be suspicious of any photographer?
Because it’s a movie-plot threat.
also: check out this Newtown Pentacle posting of February 22, 2009 for a whole lot more on this “dimly lit and illimitable corridor”.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
The hand written note, affixed to that hated letter which shattered my illusion of joy, was written on an odd scrap of paper. Once a common enough material, the brown paper grocery sack is an increasingly rare sight these days, and when one suddenly finds a scrap of one inserted into a government postal package it is a remarkable occurrence. Also of some interest was that the hand written insert bore a style of handwriting seldom seen in modern times, but which scholars of the American Civil War would recognize for its extravagance and flourish.
It smelled, vaguely, of salt cod.
from wikipedia
Margaret Ethridge Knight (February 14, 1838 – October 12, 1914) was an American inventor. She was born in York, Maine to James Knight and Hannah Teal. James Knight died when Margaret was a little girl. Knight went to school until she was twelve and worked as a cotton mill worker from ages twelve through 56. In 1868, while living in Springfield, Massachusetts, Knight invented a machine that folded and glued paper to form the flat bottomed brown paper bags familiar to shoppers today.
Knight built a wooden model of the device, but needed a working iron model to apply for a patent. Charles Annan, who was in the machine shop where Knight’s iron model was being built, stole her design and patented the device. Knight filed a successful patent interference lawsuit and was awarded the patent in 1873. With a Massachusetts business man, Knight established the Eastern Paper Bag Co. and received royalties.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
That affixed note: whose hand written words on brown kraft paper were pinned to the crisp white sheets of the machine generated official correspondence, had offered some sort of address or manner of contact…
Perhaps, I could convince its scribe that I meant no offense, and acted only out of curiosity. Woe to the humble narrator who stares too long at the burning thermonuclear eye of god itself, for wrath will be drawn down from those who are born to the purple. The veiled threat on that brown paper, with its pulpy fish smelling surface, was written in pencil.
The shiny lines were no graphite and clay smear either, this atavist screed seemed to been scratched down with a pencil that was leaden- in the manner of a Roman or Egyptian Stylus.
The Security men had lost interest in me at this point, incidentally, having determined that your humble narrator was facile and a threat to none except himself.
from a Newtown Pentacle post of June 27th, 2009 about the history of this stretch of 51st avenue
In 1908, a fire at the nearby Blanchard Building- which housed the works of J.F. Blanchard, makers of fireproof doors and shutters- was started by an inferno at the Pratt & Lambert varnish works next door. The fire soon began to spread and a great crowd watched as groups of firemen tried to battle the out of control blaze. The great fear was that the nearby Columbia Paper Bag company would be set alight, which would provide ample fuel for an inferno that might spread beyond Borden Avenue and to the shores of the Newtown Creek.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
Sliding into one of my deep moods, the black dog of depression began to nip at my heels, and I forced myself to keep on walking- to keep moving. There seemed little point in bargaining with some mythical sky father anyway, as God hates me.
from wikipedia
The perceived persecution may involve the theme of being followed, harassed, cheated, poisoned or drugged, conspired against, spied on, attacked, or obstructed in the pursuit of goals. [citation needed] Sometimes the delusion is isolated and fragmented, but sometimes are well-organized belief systems involving a complex set of delusions (“systematized delusions”). People with a set of persecutory delusions may believe, for example, they are being followed by government organizations because the “persecuted” person has been falsely identified as a spy. These systems of beliefs can be so broad and complex that they can explain everything that happens to the person.
July 4th Fireworks from Astoria roof
– photos by Mitch Waxman
Couldn’t see much, as the river Astoria lies upon is the East rather than Hudson, where the big fireworks show was. Got a few shots, but most of the visible action was rising up all around me from Astoria.
From Astoria Park, fireworks show, June 30 2010
– photos by Mitch Waxman
An FDNY fireboat shooting Red White and Blue water in between the Triborough and HellGate Bridges, followed by a cool tugboat, and then a fireworks display framed against the latter bridge. Happy 4th of July!
slipping and stumbling
– photo by Mitch Waxman
The letter arrived just the other day, a demand from certain agencies of the government, demanding a tithe be paid to them. The billing they submitted was accurate and fair, as the error in calculation and omission of a particular document to the bureaucratic process was the fault of my own sloth and sloppy record keeping, and perhaps treasonous given the foreign wars being fought by our nation.
This debt and obligation was not what unbalanced my thoughts, as “into each life a little rain must fall” and your humble narrator is no stranger to poverty and privation. No, it was the hand written note that was attached to the official missive that set my mind ablaze, and torments me when I think about it.
I found myself wandering about the Newtown Pentacle, and was soon in a place of titan architecture defined by those sky flung monuments and cyclopean aspirations called Tower Town.
from wikipedia
Humans attempt to consciously conceal aspects of themselves from others due to shame, or from fear of violence, rejection, harrassment, loss of acceptance, or loss of employment. On a deeper level, humans attempt to conceal aspects of their own self which they are not capable of incorporating psychologically into their conscious being. Families sometimes maintain “family secrets”, obliging family members never discuss disagreeable issues concerning the family, either with those outside the family and sometimes even within the family. Many “family secrets” are maintained by using a mutually agreed-upon construct (an official family story) when speaking with outside members. Agreement to maintain the secret is often coerced through “shaming” and reference to family honor. The information may even be something as trivial as a recipe.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
Vast and sterile, Tower Town is erected along the so called Center Blvd. in Long Island City, and houses thousands of nervous but otherwise wholesome citizens. Their community treasure is the great littoral parkland that surround their homes, a former industrialized rail terminal on the East River called Gantry Plaza State Park.
A tenuous sense of change and dangerous possibility hangs about, but this clear eyed population of homesteaders remain steadfast in their commitment to this place, and desire a flowering of urban community to arrive. For many years, this has been described as the “next big thing” by Real Estate interests, a sound investment and ground floor investment in New York’s newest residential neighborhood. With the arrival of the second phase of Tower Town and its attendant industry of noisome construction, a disquieting ripple of apprehension affects the lucky few whose economic might has enabled the first wave.
“LeCorbusier’s United Nations building now faces out on the grandest realization of his vision” was what I was thinking when I heard that horrible croaking voice again, the hallucination that something was calling my name… Addled by my paranoid fantasies about the enigmatic notation on that official post I received and the imaginings they had spawned, I became light headed, and found myself staggering away from their facade.
from wikipedia
Once the psychopath has identified a victim, the manipulation phase begins. During the manipulation phase, a psychopath may create a persona or mask, specifically designed to ‘work’ for his or her target. A psychopath will lie to gain the trust of their victim. Psychopaths’ lack of empathy and guilt allows them to lie with impunity; they don’t see the value of telling the truth unless it will help get them what they want.
As interaction with the victim proceeds, the psychopath carefully assesses the victim’s persona. The victim’s persona gives the psychopath a picture of the traits and characteristics valued in the victim. The victim’s persona may also reveal, to an astute observer, insecurities or weaknesses the victim wishes to minimize or hide from view. As an ardent student of human behavior, the psychopath will then gently test the inner strengths and needs that are part of the victim’s private self and eventually build a personal relationship with the victim.
The persona of the psychopath – the “personality” the victim is bonding with – does not really exist. It is built on lies, carefully woven together to entrap the victim. It is a mask, one of many, custom-made by the psychopath to fit the victim’s particular psychological needs and expectations. The victimization is predatory in nature; it often leads to severe financial, physical or emotional harm for the individual. Healthy, real relationships are built on mutual respect and trust; they are based on sharing honest thoughts and feelings. The victim’s mistaken belief that the psychopathic bond has any of these characteristics is the reason it is so successful.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
Dragging my feet, I adjusted the iPhone playlist that I was listening to at the beginning of this shambling pedestrian journey, and chose a more upbeat soundtrack. Triggering a live recording of Thelonious Monk and John Coltrane from Carnegie Hall, but it just made me slip further away. Instead, the option for a playlist heavy on metal was called on. In that withered bladder which beats within my chest, something akin to a fluttering spark was felt, an unfamiliar emotional thing called a feeling.
Often, the music of one’s youth fills the mind of old men with memories. In my case, I was always a miserable cur and socially backward miscreant, a sweat slicked and corpulent pariah convinced that the world had given him a raw deal. From an adult perspective and what I now know of the world, that child should have dropped to the ground and thanked heaven that he was born an American in the 20th century. Nevertheless, the powerful narrative of the songs in this playlist awaken a part of your humble narrator that is not lukewarm and which has been long thought dead.
Violent fantasies and elaborate lists of prior enemies began to manifest, and I day dreamed the destruction of my pursuers as I lead a Napoleonic army of American Peasantry toward capturing some modern bastille, ignoring the fact that sometimes I can’t even convince my dog to follow me.
from wikipedia
Grandiose delusions or delusions of grandeur are principally a subtype of delusional disorder but could possibly feature as a symptom of schizophrenia and manic episodes of bipolar disorder. Grandiose delusions are characterized by fantastical beliefs that one is famous, omnipotent, or otherwise very powerful. The delusions are generally fantastic, often with a supernatural, science-fictional, or religious bent (for example, belief that one is an incarnation of Jesus Christ).
Grandiose delusions are distinct from grandiosity, in that the sufferer does not have insight into his loss of touch with reality.
In colloquial usage, one who is said to have ‘delusions of grandeur’ is considered to be one who overestimates one’s own abilities, talents or situation. This is generally due to excessive pride, rather than any actual delusions.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
Along Borden Avenue, I retreated from the Newtown Creek and Tower town, back past the Pulaski Bridge and LIRR tracks, stumbling a few times on the shattered cement of these industrial streets. Unfamiliar sensations were brought forward by the litany of defiance and anger I was utilizing to deafen myself to that insistent gurgling voice which always sounded as if it was just over my shoulder. No matter how loud I set the volume, however, I still perceived its presence.
from wikipedia
Anger is an emotion. The physical effects of anger include increased heart rate, blood pressure, and levels of adrenaline and noradrenaline.[1] Some view anger as part of the fight or flight brain response to the perceived threat of harm. Anger becomes the predominant feeling behaviorally, cognitively, and physiologically when a person makes the conscious choice to take action to immediately stop the threatening behavior of another outside force. The English term originally comes from the term anger of Old Norse language. Anger can have many physical and mental consequences.
The external expression of anger can be found in facial expressions, body language, physiological responses, and at times in public acts of aggression. Humans and non-human animals for example make loud sounds, attempt to look physically larger, bare their teeth, and stare. Anger is a behavioral pattern designed to warn aggressors to stop their threatening behavior. Rarely does a physical altercation occur without the prior expression of anger by at least one of the participants. While most of those who experience anger explain its arousal as a result of “what has happened to them,” psychologists point out that an angry person can be very well mistaken because anger causes a loss in self-monitoring capacity and objective observability.
– photo by Mitch Waxman
The note on the letter, you see, warned me about particular investigations in the neighborhoods surrounding the Newtown Creek, and that I not delve too deeply into certain things, lest I attract more unwanted attention upon myself and draw the ire of that which might exist down here.
It’s receipt made me first believe it to be a prank or mistake, but investigation revealed it to be legitimate. In typical fashion, I retreated into denial and isolation- as detailed here, and here. Several hours on, all I knew was rage and a helpless resignation was setting in, and I would need to strike a bargain with it if ever solace would find a home in my thoughts again.
Perhaps there was something I could have done to avert this, been more careful, or just never noticed the thrice damned Newtown Creek.
from grief.com
Anger is a necessary stage of the healing process. Be willing to feel your anger, even though it may seem endless. The more you truly feel it, the more it will begin to dissipate and the more you will heal. There are many other emotions under the anger and you will get to them in time, but anger is the emotion we are most used to managing. The truth is that anger has no limits. It can extend not only to your friends, the doctors, your family, yourself and your loved one who died, but also to God. You may ask, “Where is God in this?
The Newtown Pentacle 