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Archive for April 1st, 2011

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– photo by Mitch Waxman

Good news permeates the City of Greater New York, as a remedy to the various financial crises has emerged. To begin with, the Mayor and City Council have voted to eliminate the wasteful practice of running mostly empty buses during non peak hours, and replacing them with smaller and more efficient vehicles like the one pictured above. Ergonomic and comfortable, the fare has been waved for these new conveyances, in order to encourage ridership and acceptance of the new scheme. Your humble narrator looks forward to “scooping” around the borough, although calling the driver “a backhoe” will be considered a hate crime and socioeconomic slur leveled against a City employee and will be punishable by 15 years forced labor at the Ratner trash mines in Pennsylvania.

Savings- $385 million!!!

– photo by Mitch Waxman

Over in Brooklyn, the “Williamsburg Financial Corridor” has proven to be such a success that the entire Third Ward has been designated an outlying district of Manhattan. Brooklyn will miss it’s emo child, but Manhattan welcomes the “Lower, extremely East Side” (LEES) to it’s family. Win Win for the City, although Brooklyn will still have to fund the schools, hospitals, and other facets of Williamsburg’s municipal infrastructure. The good news is that Billyburgers can now report that they have a Manhattan address to their families back in the Mid-West.

Benefit to Manhattan- 3 billion in property taxes!!!

– photo by Mitch Waxman

Never let it be said, though, that Manhattan doesn’t share the load. In another daring and data driven decision, the Mayor and City Council have agreed to sell the Empire State Building to Dubai. The Sheikhs of that far off desert land have announced their plans to lift the iconic structure from its foundations via the use of a fleet of Skyhook helicoptors and dirigibles. The scheme involves transporting the luckily aerodynamic skyscraper to the shores of Arabia via the heavy lift capability of its Al-Zeppelins, all the way to their exotic Emirate just south of the Persian Gulf.

The City is the big winner in this story however, as both Mayor’s office and City Council members and staff will receive free vacations at the desert resort, during which time they can forget all about April 1st, and the fools they govern over back in New York.

Written by Mitch Waxman

April 1, 2011 at 10:50 am

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